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[12 Jul 2007|03:24am] |
Aw, geez, journal. You are the only one who listens to me!! The reason I am writing to you right now is because I really wish I had a Windmill cookie!
Also, Scrubs is a bad show.
Also, I've decided that if I could do it all over again, I'd like to open my own woodworking shop in my garage and make custom built wood products. Cabinets, chests of drawers, cupboards, I don't care!! Give me some wood and I'll make you something, asshole. Cherry, oak, maple, birch, do I care? Nope. You want a fucking mobile for your new, ugly baby? Sure thing!
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| Global Warming |
[05 Jan 2007|02:01am] |
I don't know shit about global warming, do you? If you tried to tell me something, I probably wouldn't believe you. But in my head flows ideas of a future filled with water and some warm weather. Don't you think it might be cool to live like Kevin Costner in Waterworld? Think about it. Canoeing to work. Kayaking to the convenience store.
Hey, ever heard of a fucking gyrocopter? I don't think there's been good enough reason to start mass production of gyrocopters, but a mass flood would do the trick. Like beastly from Care Bears, right? yeah!
What about underwater FACILITIES? Bubble worlds. Everyone has wanted to live in a bubble world at some point, I swear to god. Imagine. You have a little bubble room with like an automatic door and there are so many chicks coming in and out all the time because who knows why... who cares!
Bubble chicks.
People are always ragging on global warming, you know? I just think it's about time we embraced it maybe.
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| Hey cutesy buns! |
[31 Oct 2006|01:08am] |
Since I'm back on the market, I thought I'd brainstorm with myself, alone in my bedroom crying, new ways of trying to pick up some hotties. As stated in the previous sentence, I already have the sensitive thing down, but these days a man needs more than that to take a trip to treasure island. The reason I started brainstorming was that I was thinking about having kids. It started the other day when I was at Sobey's. There was a young mum there with her kid, and they were having a blast. I gave them the attention that they deserved and I walked home, crying. When I was laying down in my bed crying, I thought about the idea that I might want a kid, but soon after realized that the only reason I'd want one is so that girls would think I was cute with a kid, holding hands and just throwing a ball around and stuff. I went with the idea for a while without realizing that the kid would grow up demented and weird because he or she would always be walking around with me, rather than playing with friends. Plus, how would I get custody?
Getting a dog is probably a better idea. We all know that my tendency to kill a dog is probably higher than the possibility of me keeping it alive, though. Fuck. I don't stand a chance. Hmm.
What about becoming the captain of a hot air balloon fleet during a time of war...............in the dark ages. It would have to be in the dark ages. I know they didn't have hot air balloons during the dark ages, but boy would I have been a hit!
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| October Showers! |
[16 Oct 2006|09:04pm] |
It's nice to have something to look forward to.
Since I've moved home my relationship with the outside world has been fleeting at best. It's depressing, I agree. Then again, what the fuck do you know?
What I can tell you is that my relationship with the once-a-day shower has grown exponentially. Showering in the evening after a chilly day is the best feeling in the world. If we as a first world nation were challenged to give something up in silent reflection of many other countries' dissatisfaction, I would not give up hot showers.
I'm not sure if my showering technique is unique, but I'd be curious to find out. Here's what goes down: The shower starts out warm to hot. Obviously not too hot as I don't want to get scalded. So, I get in and make good use of the detachable showerhead. I couldn't live in a house without a detachable showerhead. I don't have a clitoris, so get those dirty ass thoughts out of your heads. With the detachable showerhead, one can explore regions of the body with close-contact hot water in ways that have never before been experienced. My asshole has never been so clean, or stimulated. Clean. As the shower trods on, I decrease the cold water supply. The amount of steam in the bathroom towards the end makes for an environment not unlike an unexplored jungle at the bottom of a canyon. When I turn on the Chariots of Fire theme song and open the door, the steam billows out and I emerge wearing my towel, draped across my glistening body like the recently skinned hide of an unknown beast (who lived in the cave at the bottom of the undiscovered jungle in the canyon).
If anyone wants to challenge me with an idea of something better than a hot shower on a chilly day, good luck.
Yours,
Jungle Heron
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| BLING BLING CHING CHING |
[30 Sep 2006|03:35pm] |
Hiya folks!
What a week it's been. Blake got back from Korea so now I have a friend in Paris. I don't really like her THAT much, but it's good to have someone around. To be honest I think I hate her. Geez I hope she doesn't read this! I was thinking that it would have been better if Courtney came back but when push came to shove I realized that I hate her too. Blake and Courtney are the type of girls who like to go mini-putting. They like to 'bake pies'. I'm the kind of dude who likes western movies and cabinetry.. we just don't get along. Anyways, it's nice to have Blake back (sorta).
The thing about Courtney is that she's always like, 'can you do this for me? can you do that for me? no im not going to do a favour for you cause im making a fucking pie! GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU LITTLE CRYING BITCH'.
The thing about Julia Roberts is that even though I don't really find her attractive, I'd totally lay her down on a bed of roses just to impress her. Afterwards I'd give her my all. I wouldn't call her back, though.
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| LIfe Lessons. |
[07 Aug 2006|06:09am] |
Anyone else find that you have the most revelatory thoughts late at night? You know, when you're you're laying in bed and you think of something thoughtful, you want to write it down in your non-existent diary? (because if ever anyone found out you had one, you'd be embarassed -- I don't have one). These are the times you wished you had a real life, locked up, pickable by a paper-clip diary. Too bad not everyone has one. I always thought that people who had diaries wanted them to someday be read by someone. I still think this. Right now though, I feel it's too bad the only real diary these days is the internet kind. People like you and me looking for attention by writing on this stupid fucking thing. I guess the internet has sort of abolished the idea of personal conversation with people you know (unless you are a girl [or a drunk guy talking to a girl]). Why can't people open up and speak to the people they love anymore? Like TRULY speak to them? Maybe it's a guy thing.
Moving on: After being home for a month - separated from my friends and much social interaction -I've developed a different outlook on my life and where it is going. As it happens, I am not able to give up the internet. BUT, I'm giving up a video game called World of Warcraft that I've been playing for over a year now. I'm not giving up smoking yet but I will. I posted a 'journal' on here before speaking about how I lost any motivation that I once had; still true. I hope more people go through ruts like me. I can't seem to work a steady job, or even imagine what it's like having any sort of responsibility. Hopefully I'm getting back into the groove.
I think most of the people that read this are from Toronto and I HOPE, I PRAY that I'll see you soon. This basement is getting depressing.
Let's lighten the fucking mood a little bit.
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[29 Jul 2006|11:59am] |
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I was drunk!
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[29 Jul 2006|03:02am] |
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yO WASSUP EVERY1 THIS IS MA BLOG TOTES KIRK TOTAALLY ALL THE TIME. TUNE IN FOR MESSAGES, FUN, LUV AND EVERYTHING ELSE YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE, INCLUDING FULL BODY SHOTZ, 2 ON 2 ACTION WITH A BREAKAWAY, FAST BREAKS AND POSSIBLY LAYUPS. DONT TURN THAT DIAL FOLKS CAUSE I'M TALKIN UNBELIEVABLE SHIT HERE THAT YOU MIGHT ONLY BE ABLE TO IMAGINE WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPIN HAVIN A SEX DREAM. EMPTY THAT RESEVOIRRRR BOYOZ CAUSE UR GUNNA BE SHOOTIN SOME LOADZ STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR AND I'LL CATCH IT IN MY MOUTH? MOUNTAINOUS TITZ, LOVELY LADIEZ YOU GOTTA TOTALLY MESSAGE ME
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| apres midi |
[27 Jul 2006|03:58pm] |
I've been known in life to wake up past 12 noon on a regular basis. Since I've moved home I've been staying up until 5 am and getting up around 1. I don't feel particularly distressed about the situation, but my parents seem to.
My mom wants to know if I'm depressed! I really don't think I am. I hate that one of the symptoms of depression is sleeping in/sleeping all day. Some people just like to stay up late and wake up whenever, no? I don't get more than 8 hours of sleep a night, so fuck off mom! Anyways, my brother started a headhunting business in Edmonton and he offered to let me do some 'data entry' work for him. I get to stay at home and just input shit into excel for money. That's not so bad for a 5th transitional job, I don't think. I emailed the local paper about hiring me on, which was a pipe dream to begin with. Do you guys think that there is a possibility that the paper might publish an article that I simply write and submit through mail or singing (clown) courier? I wonder..
MOVING ON TO THE STUNNER SSSSPECTACULAR!!!
Had coffee with Dustin Hoffman two days ago at a cafe in Paris. He's shooting a movie in Toronto with Natalie Portman and I guess he'd heard that Paris was a beautiful town. He was actually down by the river when I was on a bike ride and I just started talking to him. Honestly, people, I know you think I'm lying but I dont care. This man is A FREAK! We got to talking about scientology and how he hates how so many celebrities are using it to make money when they already have so much. He offered a suggestion to me.
There's this sort of obscure and lost religion, he said, that involves the worshipping of the 'world spirit'. I told him that there are lots of religions that suggest worship along those lines, ie. lots of natives. Anyways he talked and talked and talked his way through three lattes, basically screaming about the world spirit and how he or she is watching us contantly. This river is one of the World Spirit's veins, he said, carrying the lifeblood from one part of our beatiful planet to the next.
'alright man, i gotta get home to vaccuum', I said.
What a freak
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| Motivation! |
[29 Jun 2006|03:37am] |
I am right now looking for tips or tricks from you professionals on how to find motivation. I lost my motivation about 5 years ago. I had it at one point, I swear. Where did it go? Probably where my money went... who fucking knows!?
I know what I want to do.
I want to work in film, right? Yeah, I think so. Do some writing. You know, make a name for myself. I've already established myself as the biggest mooch in the hemisphere of the world, so I guess the only way to go from here is up. Anyways, back to motivation. People tell me to seek isolation. You need isolation to get shit done. Isolation doesn't work because it's boring and I rely on the internet.
"Just DO something" is another wad of great advice. Just go out there and do something. Do what you want to do because you want to do it. Find motivation in that. Yeah fuck you! Find motivation in my dick!
I guess what I'm saying, what I'm PLEADING for, is that one of you motivated, admirable (that's not sarcasm)people out there can offer me some sort of advice. Help me get on the path of gold! All I want to do is to be able to make a living doing what I love, yet I can't get off of my ass and start.
For the person who helps me out and gives me the advice that ends up in my happiness I WILL GIVE YOU HALF OF MY FIRST PAYCHEQUE!
bye!
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| The Fast and the Furriest. |
[26 Jun 2006|03:58am] |
Well, after a long debate with myself in the mirror, I decided to move home with my parents for a month or two. I decided that It's more important to eat full, healthy meals than it is to just go out all the time and get fine ass tail all over town. It's been about a week since I've been home and so far it's been ok. My Dad reallllly wanted to get a cute german shepherd pup for free from some lady, but my insane mom decided to bring home a stupid cat instead. At first the cat scratched and bit me, but it's calmed down a lot. The cat doesn't like to be pet(ted)? Petted? I don't fucking know. I'd just say 'pet', but I dunno if it's right. Anyways, what kind of idiot cat doesn't like to get.....petted. It's a pretty nice cat in the end, though.
My main goal at home is to try to score a position at the local paper, the "Paris Star". For some reason it's just SO alluring. Writing about local news, you know, maybe starting up and advice column. Doesn't that sound fun?
LOCAL CAT STUCK IN TREE, GETS DOWN SAFELY
LOCAL BOY MOVES HOME, PARENTS LAMENT
LOCAL CAT DOES NOT LIKE TO BE PETTED OR PET, WHICH ONE IS CORRECT?
I hope they'll take me on, even as an intern or something. Man that'd be sweet. There's no pressure at home. Like, right now it's 4am and I'm not worried about tomorrow at all. I got a free bike from a lady down the street and I'm just going to ride downtown tomorrow and get a coffee and sit on a patio by the river. Life seems worth living right now (I bet they'd fucking hire me at the CHEESE factory, no questions asked). It's true, though. In Toronto I had no motivation to find a new job or even work on stuff that I wanted to be working on. Hopefully this small hick-ass town well help to pick up my spirits.
There's no way the Paris Star will let me start up an advice column. I swear having an advice column is 90% of the world's dream.
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[24 May 2006|09:49am] |
WOAH.
Alright, I can't remember the last time I got out of bed before 11 am. Today, i got up at 9. This is amaaaaazing. Now, I'm not trying to gloat about the fact that I'm a skinny, lazy piece of shit... I'm. just. so. happy.
The sun is shining, my fan is blowing, the lights in my room are off and I can see visibly. Words can't describe my intense happiness. Well, I guess 'intense happiness' will suffice. And now, friends, I'm going to make my way downtown to the Canada Trust with a peanut butter and honey sandwich in tow. I'm going to withdraw the $3.50 from my bank account and I'm going to buy a coffee and maybe a muffin.
Tomorrow I'm going to get up at 9am again, mark my words! MARK THEM you little bitches.
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[28 Mar 2006|10:33pm] |
LONG TIME NO TALK!
How are ya? Oh, that's good. I'm not bad, thanks! HAHA! Well, not much has happened since the last time i talked to you, journal. What's that? You went on a trip? Oh wow!!!! To the Greek Islands? That's amazing, journal!
What! You got really drunk on a boat off the coast of the Mediterranean Sea? Holy Shit! You... burned and pillaged multiple villages?
Women and children first?
Why would you ever want to see a child die in that way? I know you were never a believer in weapons, but hands can be just as evil as a machete.
What has happened to you, journal? I can't really believe what I'm hearing. You were such a morally hygenic journal before you left.. What do you mean, you 'hope I've been vaccinated'? Oh, GOD, get away from me you vile thing! I've never been so disgusted in my life. What ever happened to 'friends forever', or 'till death do us part'?
Fuck me? No, FUCK YOU, journal. You've changed so much. You've changed ever so much.
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[09 Mar 2006|02:14pm] |
aw shooooot
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[09 Mar 2006|01:57pm] |
I just found this picture and it really reminded me of last Halloween and how much fun we all had at my parents' house. I don't know what it was, but the costumes just REALLY got me going!
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| You're fired! I QUIT! |
[07 Mar 2006|04:31pm] |
Well, I didn't go to work again today. I'm going to get fired I bet. But I guess Darlene raised me to be a motherfucking super swift REBEL. HI MOM! My dad is a total rebel too; he shaves his head. Well I get the feeling that me and my friends' band is gonna get kicking real soon. I recruited a guy from work named craig. So, now there's a Craig, Brian, and Kirk. Just like me and my real life brothers. Oh, and Tyler too, but who cares, he's an idiot. An A-1 idiot. Tyler fell down the stairs the other night and landed on his feet. He yelled 'FUCK YOU MOM' and ran out the door. Turns out he knocked a few screws loose with the fall and was thinking about a time when he was young. Brian was pretending to be Maryanne's dad when he was drunk and he kicked a signboard and fell really hard into a wall and then to the ground. Even though he probably hurt himself we couldn't stop laughing. I said, "imagine Maryanne's dad was really here and he did that?"
And that's why we all laughed at Brian for a good 5 minutes while he was writhing in pain. Rizie tells me that he now has a gash on his arm. HA HA.
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| Northern Exposure |
[23 Feb 2006|02:17am] |
I think the cold air of Canada is making my farts smell worse and worse as I age. I'm no doctor, but my girlfriend's farts smell worse than mine. Her ass is like a sulfur factory that produces more sulfur than it can sell, simply because the owner of the factory has loved sulfur since he was a young tot. It's difficult understand how a body can produce something like Leslie's can. I'm just kidding. She poos trilliums. This is actually something I'm concerned about, though. Should I call the cops? I know it's illegal to pick trilliums in Ontario, but is it illegal to poo them out of your ass? I'm going to surf the internet now and check into it.
___________________________________________________________
It turns out that not only is it legal to poo trilliums in Ontario, it is celebrated. My research has provided me with some fascinating information! There has only been one person in the history of Ontario that has pooed trilliums: Saul Wonderburg. Mr. Wonderburg was actually awarded a medal of honour in the first world war for increasing his company's morale so quickly and efficiently through trillium pooing.
To me, something about this situation seems fishy. First of all, Saul Wonderburg was born in the 1950's to one Sandy Wonderberg. Not only are their last names SCREAMINGLY different, the man grew up in Chile to a wild pack of 'tribal warriors' (I found this out through my girlfriend...turns out she is a Saul Wonderburg scholar. Has been since she traversed the land bridge). Bottom line is this: I have a huge pile of trilliums in my office and my girlfriend is leaving for the weekend!
Party time??
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| It pays to be light! |
[16 Feb 2006|01:38am] |
For all of you people who say my crash crash diet was dangerous, fuck you! Do you wish that you could be the at the acme of a human pyramid? do you feel as though the rush that accompanies being at the top of a mountain of testosterone is for you? WELL LOSE WEIGHT! I did, and look at me now! People say that their diets are the shit. Well I say that they themselves are shit. Pieces of fat shit at the bottoms of human pyramids around the world. If Dr. phil was at the top of one, it would collapse, I'm sure if it. Oprah lost weight but there's no way she could be at the top of a pyramid...NO WAY! Tony little? Bottom. Oprah? Bottom. Look at how happy I am at the top of a human pyramid! God damn it, look at me! Stare at my taught little body! OH SHITTTTT god damn.
top of the pyramid to you
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| Save tonight and fight the break of dawn |
[22 Dec 2005|06:28pm] |
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Save tonight |
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*OPEN INVITE*
Well... I've been waiting for a while to announce this, but you are all invited to a special weekly event that me and my friends have been participating in for at least a few years now. The night, very affectionately referred to as 'Eagle Eye Tuesday', is very important to us.
This is a listening specific night. We will listen to the "Desireless" album front to back 3-4 times (depending on how much time we have left for the singalong at the end.)
It might be intimidating to join in now, as we all know the "Desireless" album front to back, but don't worry; we are very accomdating and we have a few extra acoustic guitars (signed by eagle eye himself!) that we can all jam on for the singalong at the end of the "Desireless" album listening party. We've been sending explicit emails to eagle eye for the last couple years, hoping that he might show up to one of these parties. Let's all cross our fingers and hope that he might make a suprise appearance this tuesday!!! By the way, it's not to late to ask your moms, dads, brothers, whatevers, for the "Desireless" album as a Christmas, Channukah, Kwanzaa, or other holiday gift!
LETS HAVE SOME FUN!!!!!!!
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